my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
