That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
