I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
