i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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