So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
