This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
