now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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