I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
they're like a gay fantastic four
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
