I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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