yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm too high and old for this...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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