My liver just broke up with me...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
