I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
