im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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