I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
