I'm lost and stupid without you.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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