she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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