my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
