omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
