I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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