you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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