I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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