watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
