I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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