we have pet lesbian snakes
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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