Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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