If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
