She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
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Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
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I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
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