Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
