i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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