I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Randomize
