every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
