Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
