Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
