the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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