Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
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