I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Randomize
