dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
