he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
