it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
