i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
