Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
