he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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