so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
