just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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