That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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