Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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