I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
