you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
