Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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