I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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