I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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