eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
