I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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