I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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