So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
