That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
