I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
