Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
