I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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