my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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