remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
